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Jan 8, 2010, 2:55pm

Writers' Block :: Regular Fiction :: Stories :: Whisperers

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Topic: Whisperers (Read 25 times)

xexemenamon
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Whisperers
« Thread Started on Feb 16, 2009, 11:08am »

This is my first time doing this so don't laugh I think the beginning was good and the middle okay but I don't like the end I'm not finished yet

It was midnight and I didn't know what was going on what could have been so important that they had to wake me up now. Since I turned 15 my parents had been giving me orders and strict commands, but every now and then I saw my mother wipe away a tear. In a daze- almost as if I was still asleep - I got dressed. They took me by the wrists as if afraid I would run away. We took a taxi and as the scenery changed, I thought about my little brother, who was now alone, I thought about his sandy hair that would brush against his rosy cheeks and his soft, white skin. People often said he looked like me and I thought this an insult, for him, since my plain and dull features could never compare. Before I knew it we were there all I could see was two huge, wooden doors, with metal handles and a metal frame on the doors. My mother wouldn't come out - and when I saw here eyes there was fear and hopelessness - so only my dad and I walked to the doors, as we walked I realized that all this time he had never looked my in the eye, and I started to fear for myself. He lifted his hand to knock and every knock sounded as if a clock was ticking - perfectly on cue, ever constant. The doors slowly creaked open and inside was sometime I never expected to see. In this room pale-blue creatures walked to and fro, busier then I thought possible, I looked up amazed by the room and for a brief second I stopped to breath, thick metal rods were placed all over the ceiling - or so I thought - then realized there was no ceiling the walls stopped where the rods started, what was even more breath taking is that these pale-blue creature were using the rods to travel, each on easily gliding on the rods. I forced my attention to the ground for fear I might be out of place, then one of then saw me standing there and stopped dead in his tracks to greet us. As he came closer I examined his face, it was as if drawn by an angel, an angel who stopped midway, an angel who was too lazy to finish the details. He came to me and spoke "So wonderful to see you, it will be my pleasure to assist you in any way I can." I looked at my father, with the intention of asking what was going on but he had disappeared. I stared blankly as the huge doors closed locking me inside. When I finally turned back the creature stared at me and bowed saying “my name is Adam… Adam Miller and I am in charge of making sure that you… stay out of harm’s way”. He wrapped his hand around my wrist and I realized that his grip was incredible firm, but in a way, not firm enough to be real as if with the slightest motion he would disappear. He led me to a small gray room with metal shelves creating a winding road to the other side. The room was warm, yet I felt a shiver going up my spine as if something horrible was about to happen. Adam there handed my over to another pale-blue “person” and said “Take care of her Paul, I’ll be right back” and with that he was gone. I looked up at Paul, my 5 feet and 2 inches barely able to reach above his elbow, this man, this “Paul” wasn’t safe for me, his smile - showing perfectly aligned teeth – made me tremble, he laughed; a laugh as terrifying as a lion’s roar and dragged me to the other side of the room. There he sat me down on a coal black chair; I looked around as he huddled over a nearby desk mixing several different vials. He came over with a vial containing a liquid the color of his skin, and I feared it was venom he wanted me to drink. As he got closer I slowly closed my eyes and when I thought he’d be close enough to hear; I shut my mouth, with a sickening snap of my teeth. I heard him sit on a nearby bench - I had been staring at – and slowly get closer… then Paul was silent only an occasional drop could be heard from his direction, and as soon as I was about to think he had given up I felt a thin, wet brush stroke my cheek. The second it made contact with my face I felt it burn, as if acid ran through my veins instead of blood. I wanted to scream, to shatter every bit of glass for miles, but since grandfather had died I promised I would never show weakness. I endured 5 more of this torture, until my whole face felt swollen and destroyed, I slowly opened my eyes' feeling like baby opening its eyes for the first time, and all I saw was Paul. But this man, whom I had feared, not 5 minutes ago seemed like a close companion, but this emotion was completely forgotten when the burning continued, I finally spoke for the first time since we had arrived “m… my face, let me look at my face”, he smiled a bitter-sweet smile, as if my question was expected but hurt all the same. He was about to hand me a silver mirror-with thousands of animals- but instead put showed me the back of it and said “which animal is the brightest?” I was about to demand that he stop this nonsense, since all of the animals looked the same, when something caught my eye, on the top of the mirror was a small owl, and it glistened brighter then the others. I calmly responded “the owl”; Paul smiled and put the mirror-still face down- in my hand. Now was the moment of truth, had the liquid destroyed my face, or had it been harmless and just tinted my skin; slowly I flipped over the mirror and was shocked at what I now saw, nothing… nothing had changed, Paul saw my reaction and laughed, his laugh didn’t sound as alarming as before and for some reason I found myself laughing along with him. Adam came back, an appalled look shot across his face – too fast for me to question- as he saw us laugh. “Queen, please behave yourself”; Queen… me a Queen surely he was speaking to someone else…but as usually I was mistaken, here there was only me and Paul. Adam saw my confusion “oh, you didn’t know…you are the only willing heir… you have been the only willing heir for 10 years”, “Willing heir? Who am I inheriting this from? Princess to what?” I searched Adam’s face for answers but found only shocked recognition. “You mean they…he never told you?”, “He!? He who?”, “Your grandfather…Sebastian” this name burned my heart with feelings of sorrow, pain, and ever lasting agony “He was King of the Whisperers”. I had so many questions, what were whisperers, why did no one tell me, why did he die…but I knew these questions would only make my pain grow even more. I waited until he spoke again, “ His majesty died fighting for us, and as he died he said…’look for her…look for her!’ and so the search started his majesty told us where you lived but when your parents had heard about the battle they fled, with you and your brother”, “but why was I chosen?”, Adam rolled his eyes but caught himself before he offended me further “the king had taken a rather liking to the idea of a woman” he spit at the word ”acquiring the throne”. I was queen, I was queen, to a civilization that was in war, as of now I was more alone then ever.

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LaBelleFae
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Re: Whisperers
« Reply #1 on Feb 16, 2009, 3:21pm »

"It was midnight and I didn't know what was going on what could have been so important that they had to wake me up now."

There has to be punctuation in the middle or a conjunction for it to be grammatically correct.
(Sorry, I'm picky about these things)

Since I turned 15 my parents had been giving me orders and strict commands

Orders and strict commands are the same thing- don't be redundant in making the sentence longer. It doesn't help...

People often said he looked like me and I thought this an insult, for him, since my plain and dull features could never compare.

What kind of sister would actually say that? Would you say that about Alejandra? When I say that she looks just like you, would you think, "Oh, no, she's much more beautiful..."

Before I knew it we were there all I could see was two huge, wooden doors, with metal handles and a metal frame on the doors.

To be more grammatically correct, you should write:
Before I knew it, we were there. All I could see were two huge, wooden doors with metal handles and a metal frame.
(And, by the way, where is "there"?)

Now, I'll stop checking your grammar- please make a second draft. It's actually killing me... slowly...

"and for a brief second I stopped to breath"
This means that for a second, the girl stopped walking to breath for a while.
I think what you mean is, "and for a brief second, I stopped breathing."

"As he came closer I examined his face, it was as if drawn by an angel, an angel who stopped midway, an angel who was too lazy to finish the details."
This might be a great description, but I seriously don't know what you're talking about. Does this mean his face is really plain and kind of "half-way?" Or does it mean that his face looked like it was drawn by a little kid who didn't bother to finish? Did it look like a smiley face or a face without a nose or what?

"his grip was incredible firm"
Incredible firm? The grammar again. I promise to stop if you put up a second draft without the grammatical errors.

I endured 5 more of this torture
... Need I say more?

Now was the moment of truth, had the liquid destroyed my face, or had it been harmless and just tinted my skin; slowly I flipped over the mirror and was shocked at what I now saw, nothing… nothing had changed, Paul saw my reaction and laughed, his laugh didn’t sound as alarming as before and for some reason I found myself laughing along with him.
Use more sentence breaks. Long sentences confuse most people.

I find you use too many "..." You can say many "..."s, but writing it makes people bored.

“You mean they…he never told you?”, “He!? He who?”, “Your grandfather…Sebastian”
Conversational dialects aren't written like this. (sorry, grammar check again. i can't help myself!)

"he spit at the word"
I think you mean, "he spit out the word".

GRAMMAR!!!!!
...
...

...
Publishers and editors would get so annoyed if you didn't check for grammar - sorry for being so picky, I am a perfectionist, after all...

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Oh yeah, sure, like that's ever gonna happen. What do you mean you don't know what I'm talking about?!?!
I'm having a one-sided conversation with myself! How could not know what I'm talking about?!

shadow_scribe
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Re: Whisperers
« Reply #2 on Feb 16, 2009, 3:48pm »

Can you PLEASE comment in the COMMENTS section?! There is a reason that it's there.

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